Getting my groove back……again.

Over the last few weeks i’ve been getting my groove back, and it’s been really nice. I’m working really hard on a little business craft venture that i’m working on with Abigail (@myworriedshoes on twitter) and having that outlet has made me realise how important it is to have something that is just for me to focus on. I really love being a mama, but after 6 months of just focusing on my little family i am exhausted and i lost myself a little bit.

The best of both worlds

This has happened before, 4 years ago when i first started having bad seizures. During this time i lost a lot of what i thought defined me. I couldn’t really go out by myself so i couldn’t go running anymore, i couldn’t socialise (no alcohol as well) and i couldn’t work. I would sit at home by myself a lot because many of my friends at the time just stopped calling or returning my calls. When this happens and you lose the ability to do much of what you once did you start to question what is left without those things. I assumed at the time that if nobody really wanted to spend time with me after i had lost the ability to do things for or with them that I, as a stand alone person must not have much to offer. My confidence hit rock bottom, i really did not like myself. I thought that the only defining thing about me was my illness and i didn’t blame the majority of my friends for ditching me, i wanted to ditch me too. However over the course of a few months i realised that my illness did not define me, and that i still had a lot to offer. The people that didn’t avoid me and stuck by me in my time of need made me realise that i was still fun to be around and started to fix my shattered confidence. The friends who ditched me….well i count myself lucky not to have them in my life anymore!

By now you’re probably wondering why i’m babbling on about something that happened 4 years ago. Well the reason is that being a new mum, despite being wonderful, is so life changing that it had a similar effect on my confidence recently. You lose a lot of the things that used to define you pre-baby, and a lot of common ground that you had with childless friends. I came out of my newborn haze, only to realise that i didn’t have time for me, my life revolved around caring for Henry, doing housework and trying to find the time to pluck my eyebrows and have a bath. Outside of this i didn’t have much to talk about…….or at least i didn’t feel like i did. I noticed my confidence dropping,  i began questioning whether people would want to see me or talk to me, worrying about how i looked and how i come across to others. Generally beating myself up over what i think other people think of me. It’s exhausting and makes the world a lonely place at times. However this time i realised what i was doing to myself, and instead of letting myself hide from everyone like i wanted to i have made myself go out and socialise.

Once again it’s been craft that has been my saving grace! Last time i made myself go out to a few knitting groups to meet people, and i met some lovely very accepting people who brightened my world, including the lovely Miss Millington aka @PrincessPurling. Knitters really are a lovely bunch of people! 🙂 This time i’m using my knitting and sewing to start a mama craft project with Abigail a fellow mum, and connecting with other likeminded crafters & mama’s over Twitter. Making something brand new, designing things that make the world a prettier place, and generally filling the world with colour is enough to lift anybody’s confidence and it really has done me the world of good!

I’m so excited to share with you all what i am working on, it’s going to be amazing! 🙂 But i am most excited about the fact that since working on it all i am enjoying my time with Henry more as well! Things really are looking good right now! Yay!!!! 🙂

Exciting times! :)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about money…..we need more of it to live comfortably and afford get a bigger place to live. However I wasn’t sure how I was going to make enough money to help us get by and raise a baby at the same time. I was talking last week with my best wifey Sarah (@PrincessPurling on twitter) and she suggested using my cake making talents which seemed like a good idea, but not enough. I mean everybody seems to be selling cakes nowadays! So I put my mind to it & came up with a few crafty money making ideas that stemmed a lot from things I have made for Henry since he was born & also organising his christening.

I was quite pleased with some of the ideas I had and discussed them with Abigail (@Myworriedshoes) when I met up with her & Joanna (@Stillawake) and their very cute babies last Thursday. Anyway over Coffee Abigail and I bounced crafty moneymaking (baby friendly) ideas off of each other and by the time we went our separate ways had formed an idea to work together on a project.

A few brainwaves later and we have a really exciting project in the pipeline that if it works could be something AMAZING! 🙂 We have a name, a concept, and a plan with the means to get started and I’ve been working hard over the last few days getting some of the groundwork done & for the first time in ages I’m excited….really excited! I have something to focus on that isn’t my baby or housework, but will allow me to carry on being with Henry most of the time. What’s not to like about that?!

I’m not going to say anymore for now, but watch this space, more will be revealed soon! 🙂 We’re meeting up this week to compare progress & get cracking……oh and to play with our cute baby boys too which is the whole point. 😀

Christen This…..Part Two.

Ok so Henry was Christened on the 7th August, i haven’t blogged about the day before this because i was knackered after organising such a big event and because to be honest i was so annoyed about some things i needed to calm down first so that i didn’t just rant about the bad bits of the day.

I spent the 48 hours before the event baking hundreds of cakes…..and i really do mean hundreds, i’m not exaggerating! I have a BIG family and they eat a lot of food, cake especially so this was a must have:

Some of the cakes

My sister Natasha came over on the Saturday before so i had some help, but i was really proud of myself getting most of it done. It was a big task with a 6 month old baby. The cakes however were worth it! 🙂

The actually day of the Christening didn’t get off to a great start with Henry sleeping a total of 3 hours on Saturday night! He would only sleep latched on to my boob snuggled up next to me in bed, which meant that i got hardly any sleep at all. Eye bags were going to be a real issues in the pictures, but hey what’s new? We were staying at my Step-Grandmother’s house so we had a 3 course breakfast before heading off to set up the after-party which helped perk us up somewhat! God bless Grandmothers! 🙂

The hall was looking amazing after my Mum, sister, Step-dad, us & my best friend worked our arses off getting it all sorted in time……this was hard seeing as my phone didn’t stop ringing with people calling with their excuses as to why they couldn’t attend. These excuses ranged from the genuine to the absurd & frankly unbelievable! It was very upsetting to be honest after working so hard to make the day special to have so many people not make the effort to attend. The number of guests that came was still respectable at about 70 people, but 30 people canceled on the day or just didn’t show up! I think this is pretty poor, if you don’t want to come just say in advance, don’t say yes & then not bother to come……i do have better things to do than bake cakes for people who aren’t going to eat them!

The service was lovely & Henry was a star smiling and charming his captive audience the whole time. He wooed our female (Vegetarian!) Vicar Norma by smiling and stroking her face while she was putting the water on his head. A bit nicer than the crying we were all used to at Christenings! 🙂 I think Henry likes being on stage as he appears to have star quality! hahaha!

Probably the only time you'll see all of us in a church! 🙂

The godparents & us! 🙂

The after party which had an ‘afternoon tea’ theme was a real success thanks to the bunting & the food being a real hit. Ken’s mum made loads of scones, my mum made hundreds of cream cheese & cucumber sandwiches & some lovely quiches which were delicious. Their help was so appreciated as there is no way i could have done everything myself. My mum & her husband’s family were such a help on the day, as were Ken’s family which made the party a real success.

Christening cake(s)

speech.....

However not all family were helpful. I asked my dad to bring some Brie & Cranberry sandwiches as his contribution (seeing as he was the one making such a fuss about having a christening.) However he show up with some horrible grated cheese & pickle sandwiches on plastic bread which looked horrible (i don’t know what they tasted of because i HATE pickle)! This in itself wasn’t that bad, but it gets worse as things usually do when my dad is involved! He and his wife Carol didn’t help at all at the party at all, they barely spoke to me or Ken, didn’t even bring a card for Henry let alone a present and to top it all off they left a massive mess for the rest of us to clean up! My dad for want of a better term is a COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE who never fails to find new ways to let me down and shun me! I got used to him doing it to me, but it hurts all over again when he does it to Henry.

Although i’m still fuming with my dad, he really was in the minority. Everybody else really seemed to have an amazing time and there was a really good atmosphere there. Everyone loved seeing Henry who was in good spirits all day long. George our dog was at the party as well, and he thought it was amazing having that many people there to pay him attention! Henry was very spoilt by our Friends and Family who gave him some lovely gifts and cards. As the host we didn’t get to spend as much time to talk to people as we would have liked because we kept being called away to see the next person! We spoke briefly to everyone and managed to send people off with plates of cake so i think that can be considered being a good host?

Me & the wifey who was a star on the day! 🙂

So all in all it was a good day, with only a few people letting it down slightly by not coming or just being an arse (yes i’m talking to you daddy dearest!). However i need to thank my best friend Sarah (Wifey) & family friend Gina and my little Sister Tash for being such great helps at the party. Plus my Mum & Her Husband Nigel, my step-grandmother Eileen and Ken’s parents……You are all AMAZING and without you i would have struggled to get everything together! 🙂 Everyone except my dad made the day really special and one that although Henry won’t remember it was a really nice way to introduce him to such a large family! 🙂

…………having said that i’m not sure i’ll be doing it again! All that sewing & baking nearly finished me off! hahahaha!

6 months of Henry amazingness!

I just wanted to post some pictures
showing our first 6 months as a little family as Henry turned 6 months yesterday! It’s gone so quickly, yet so much has happened so I think pictures say much more than words can in this case…..all I’ll say is having him about has been the most amazing challenge of my life. I am very lucky to have a fantastic little boy, a loving partner & an adorable (if hyper) dog!

Christen This!!

I’m having Henry Christened next weekend. I’m not religious (agnostic at best) but the idea of a naming ceremony was not well received among my parental folk who both wanted the little man christened like all children in our families, which is surprising as they haven’t agreed on anything since the decision to get divorced over 20 years ago!

So for the easy life a conventional christening it is….but we’re adding our own twists. For example I’ve chosen some unconventional God parents for Henry not all of whom seem like the obvious choice, but who wants obvious & boring for their child? Not me!

My little sister Tashy is godmother. She dislikes children A LOT, but she does loves to smoke! However has allowed Henry to be the exception to her child hating & they adore each other! She is his favourite person aside from his mama & daddy. I hope they stay good buddies as She has incredibly good taste in music like her older sister so I know Henry will go to good gigs even when he’s too cool to hang out with me! She isn’t however allowed to introduce him to any of her chosen vices….even when he’s 18! 🙂

My Cousin Chris is the first godfather. He really seems like an odd choice to outsiders as he is a reformed youth offender & heavy drug user. But the key part of that description is reformed. He is a lovely hardworking bloke, who plays in a couple of bands in his spare time, and does charity concerts to raise money and awareness for his downs syndrome niece’s special needs school. However despite the fact that he isn’t the troubled teenager that got in trouble with the police anymore (he’s 32!) many family members still judge him for it. I don’t & think somebody like him who has made mistakes and moved on is a great role model!

The 3rd godfather is Andy the longterm boyfriend of Ken’s sister. I’ve not always got on with him as he can be quite money obsessed & not always on the same wavelength as us as a result. However he adores Henry & has shown much more interest in him than Ken’s sister. He asked after him constantly when I was pregnant, and has been excited to see him whenever he can. My little man brings out a much nicer side to Andy and at the very least we know if we end up poor homeless dreamers Henry will have a Godfather with a few pennies saved! Hahaha!

I was pretty laid back about what the ceremony itself should be, because to me it was simply a way of introducing my son to my HUGE family and throwing a nice big party for him. Well the party is nearly planned, it’s going to be a afternoon tea extravaganza full of homemade cakes, cucumber sandwiches, scones, tea & champagne! My kind of party! I’ve also spent the last few weeks lovingly sewing miles of homemade bunting to decorate the hall that the after party is being held in. (pictures will follow soon!) Also I have devised the perfect afternoon tea playlist suitable for a rockin’ little dudes party! All sounds pretty awesome right? Only problem is the party has gotten bigger than we planned….

The guest list is long, as I alone have 13 living aunties & Uncles…..and well too many cousins to count. Both of my parents are remarried, thus there are step-families to be included. Add to this Ken’s family and our oldest friends and the guest list is nearing 90 (plus George the dog who is the guest of honor)! Wow that’s a lot of people not all of whom, if I’m honest, I want there. However family politics mean that if you invite one, you invite them all! If only they would all bloody RSVP so I know how many cakes to bake…..I mean a good hostess should never be found lacking in the cake department! 😀

So we’re nearly there, thank god (no pun intended) but the final task, and possibly the most important one for our unconventional christening is to find the little guy a spiderman costume to be christened in! 🙂 My mum is dead against it, wanting to dress him in a linen suit like a Westlife reject. However there are something’s you just have to stand for in life, and dressing up like spiderman at your first party is one of them! ;D

Watch this space for the party updates!

Becoming a member of the mama club: The good, The bad & the competitive.

What kind of mama am I? I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately now that after over 5 months of life with Henry I’m getting to the point where I feel like I (kind of) know what I’m doing. So I’ve decided to write down how I got to this point & some of the important bits that happened along the way……and the people I’ve met too. I’m hoping that this will help me not only remember everything in years to come, but also help me make sense of it all! I apologise for typos and spelling, but I write my posts in the iPhone or iPad usually in a hurry while baby is asleep.

This is part one…..pregnancy:

When i was pregnant we (me and Ken) did both the NHS & NCT antenatal classes, partly because I wanted to know as much as possible about labour and what followed, and partly because I wanted to meet other people having a baby. I bought every book on pregnancy I could get my hands on, downloaded all the apps I could find, and became addicted to TV programmes involving pregnancy, birth and babies. You see, before I was pregnant I was really scared of the whole idea of pregnancy, birth, and having a baby to look after. I didn’t like holding babies, I didn’t like talking about them, and I certainly didn’t like them taking over coffee shops and restaurants in their ‘mum & baby groups’ when I wanted to eat my lunch in peace! I hadn’t really considered having babies in my 20s to be honest, but then I accidentally got pregnant and had a miscarriage. This experience changed me. I became petrified of everything baby related, convinced that pregnant women were following me everywhere to taunt me, and yet at the same time had this yearning for a baby that felt like a pain in my heart. I wanted a baby, maybe not straight away, but I was scared that I would have another miscarriage…..and I did. Two more in fact!

It was hard, especially as two of the miscarriages were at the 12 week point, just when you think that you are in the safe zone. The last miscarriage was in March 2010, after which I was offered testing to find out why this kept happening. After having the tests done I was told that it would take three months to get the results, so I had the contraceptive injection. I didn’t want to try for another baby. I was heartbroken, blamed myself for the loss of 3 babies, and physically bruised. However fate had other ideas….4 days after having the contraceptive injection I fell pregnant again. When I was given the news at the doctors surgery i had a melt down of such magnitude that my GP offered to drive me home! I was panicking and pretty convinced that this pregnancy was doomed as I hadn’t received the results of my tests.

It wasn’t doomed, that pregnancy turned out to be Henry! However it wasn’t all plain sailing. I had 4 months of such severe sickness that I was hospitalised for dehydration. The sickness was horrible, but I was also grateful for it, I thought that as long as i was being sick 12 times a day that had to be a sign that the baby was ok. Then at our 20 week scan they thought that Henry might have a severe heart condition that they described as “incompatible with life”. This was the worst news any couple can hear! I felt sick with panic and went into emotional shut down. I didn’t want to get upset until I knew for sure. A few more scans showed that Henry’s heart was in the middle of his chest, a condition known as mesocardia. It isn’t serious at all and is just the same as everybody else in terms of heart structure and function…..just a little nonconformist regarding position. The week of waiting to find out the results was agonising but hearing that he was going to be ok was the best news of my whole life!

After a brief bout of swine flu at Christmas (yes that’s right I am the worlds unluckiest person when it comes to health issues!) the pregnancy went along as normal. Then on the 9th February 2011 at 8.45am when Henry was born after a 5 1/2 hour relatively easy labour (thank you yoga & raspberry leaf tea). He weighed 7lbs 12oz and was (and still is) the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I was bowled over with love for him, and for Ken for giving me him. I instantly loved being a mum.

I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy the way I would have liked. I was scared the whole time that something would go wrong. I didn’t tell many people I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks for fear of jinxing it, and even then it was only because my mother started spreading the news against my wishes. I bought a doppler machine & used it obsessively to check that the baby was still ok. I wouldn’t take pictures of me pregnant because I didn’t want to see them if I lost the baby. The picture in this blog was taken by my mum while i wasn’t looking and is the only proof i was ever that round. It makes me sad as it really is a special time, but I had that innocent excitement ruined. However if I have another baby I will enjoy it more as I realise that you can’t live in fear of what might go wrong, you have to look forward to what will happen if things go right because having a baby is quite amazing! Now the battle not to be a ‘baby bore’ began! I don’t always win this battle as I’m sure some of my friends will tell you, but to be honest I think it’s only reasonable to talk about the WORLD’S best baby a lot!

Blogger who forgets to actually blog!

I’ve been meaning to blog for some time, and I construct these elaborate posts in my head, but never get around to actually posting them lately! Life has been pretty busy with some fun things (holidays, weddings, parties, seeing friends) and some not so fun things (teething, sleep deprivation, and the mountain of housework & jobs i have to do because I’ve been off doing fun things instead.

So it is my aim over the next few days to actually write up some of the posts that I have been constructing in my head. Mainly because I’m using this blog as a personal diary that I can read in the future & remember life as a first time mama more clearly & I don’t want some of these thoughts to be lost completely in my sleep deprived fog filled brain!

I’m writing this while Henry is finally napping, his second tooth is cutting and the poor little man is fed up. In the last 3 weeks teething has been cruel to him, keeping him awake due to pain, giving him a bad stomach, stopping him from feeding properly. Quite frankly if teething were a person I’d kick their arse for being so mean to my little boy! It’s hard watching the little person that you made from scratch suffer & there have been times, when the pain has really upset him where i have cried with him. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I couldn’t help it!

Also for those of you who follow me on twitter you’ll know that I have been feeling the harsh effects of sleep deprivation during this period of teething, and in all honesty I feel a bit bad moaning about it. The reason I feel so bad after a disturbed nights sleep is because Henry has been sleeping 9 hours a night (with one short wake up at 3am for a feed) since he was 10 days old. Yes that’s right I’m moaning because I’m really not used to being awake at night, and to be fair I think Henry feels the same! When I complained to a fellow new mum she shot me down with a quick “Welcome to how the rest of us always feel” and a smug smile that showed she was most pleased that Henry was awake as much as her baby. No sympathy there then…….but I realise I don’t deserve sympathy. My baby has always slept well and has only stopped because he is in pain a lot of the time, thus he needs sympathy not me. So i shall not moan about how bad I feel from now on after a being awake through the night. However I’m not perfect so I’ll probably still mention that HENRY was awake and suffering through the night…… 😉

Epilepsy with a twist….

******Warning this post contains a lot of exclamation marks******

Ok, so anybody reading this who knows me, or who follows me on twitter will know that I have been moaning A LOT lately. Let me assure you that I am not normally such a killjoy, but as of late I have been finding it increasingly hard to be cheery.

I am trying to arrange to move house soon as since getting my flat I have managed to acquire a few housemates in the form of a man, a dog & a baby…..all of whom take up a lot of space that had originally belonged to my vast collection of ‘stuff’. To make this move a reality I had to get finances in order & this is where quite a bit of my stress comes from, because to help me do this I have had to deal with an endless stream of very unhelpful people. I wouldn’t mind so much, except for the fact that it’s these very people who are paid to be helpful!

I’m epileptic, which I don’t normally talk about much but it is necessary to mention it to explain why I have to deal with the ‘delightful & oh so helpful’ people at the Department of Work & Pensions. I’m entitled to tax credits for being specialeptic & have been trying to arranged how to receive them…..however they make it as hard as possible, and seem to have a licence to be as rude as they like too! I have had to endure comments that are offensive & uncalled for, the best example of which was being asked if I thought it was ‘wise or responsible of me to have a baby with my condition?’ and ‘should you be out on your own?’………WOW!!! Who knew that it was still the opinion of a government department that people with epilepsy should be sterilised & locked up inside?!?! I honestly don’t know how they deal with people with other more severe problems, but I sure as hell hope it’s more tactful that they do with me!

What makes me even angrier is that as a well educated & generally quite vocal person I am able to swiftly put said DWP Employees in their place, however there are thousands of very ill or disabled people who also have to deal with this narrow minded comments but without the ability or energy to respond or stand up for themselves. This means that this behaviour will go unpunished more often than not……

So to the man who berated me for having a child & the woman who questioned whether i should leave the house I have a message for you: I pride myself on the fact that I have learnt to live my life around having epilepsy, not based on epilepsy. It is not who I am nor will it ever stop me getting what I want! I may take a little longer to achieve my goals at times, but I always get there in the end. To imply that anybody in this day in age should accept less because they have a disability is awful, especially from people who are supposed to help them lead normal productive lives! I am a fantastic mother to my son, who is well cared for and loved, and I am never going to let him think that when bad things happen to you the way to behave is to ‘roll over and take it’…..I hope to be his role model who showed him that you can achieve ANYTHING you want & do it bloody well, regardless of illness or having to deal with morons ALL THE TIME!!

Ok now that is off my chest I promise my next post will be happier….all about boobs, birthdays & helping little babies!

Father’s day blues…..

My dad is useless…………..my Mister and the father of my 4 month old son Henry on the other hand is great! He is everything that my dad is not, he loves our son unconditionally and would do anything for him. He adores Henry to the point that he rushes home from work everyday so that he gets extra time to play with him & hear him laughing before bedtime. However today i was unable to give him the father’s day he deserves as a series of unfortunate events meant that things just did not go to plan. We seem to be the victims of a lot of unfortunate events lately which is frustrating as we are trying very hard to create a great life and home for our son, but it appears the more you try to achieve the more issues you have to contend with! 😦

Our intimate lunch was gate crashed thanks to the in-laws, baby got quite grumpy due to a nasty case of teething, and i was grumpy due to a nasty case of learning to be grown up and dealing with new improved grown-up problems (getting a new house and all of the new improved financial woes that go with it)! Despite putting a lot of thought into his presents which included homemade gifts, cakes, and a night out on this coming tuesday WITHOUT the baby i feel that he doesn’t feel as appreciated as i want him to today, and this just doesn’t sit right with me.

So this my first blog post is for him because even though i have been a grumpy madam this week i still think that he is the best daddy in the world and i want him to know that i would be lost without him around even if i haven’t managed to tell him lately among all of my ranting/ stressing!