What kind of mama am I? I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately now that after over 5 months of life with Henry I’m getting to the point where I feel like I (kind of) know what I’m doing. So I’ve decided to write down how I got to this point & some of the important bits that happened along the way……and the people I’ve met too. I’m hoping that this will help me not only remember everything in years to come, but also help me make sense of it all! I apologise for typos and spelling, but I write my posts in the iPhone or iPad usually in a hurry while baby is asleep.
This is part one…..pregnancy:
When i was pregnant we (me and Ken) did both the NHS & NCT antenatal classes, partly because I wanted to know as much as possible about labour and what followed, and partly because I wanted to meet other people having a baby. I bought every book on pregnancy I could get my hands on, downloaded all the apps I could find, and became addicted to TV programmes involving pregnancy, birth and babies. You see, before I was pregnant I was really scared of the whole idea of pregnancy, birth, and having a baby to look after. I didn’t like holding babies, I didn’t like talking about them, and I certainly didn’t like them taking over coffee shops and restaurants in their ‘mum & baby groups’ when I wanted to eat my lunch in peace! I hadn’t really considered having babies in my 20s to be honest, but then I accidentally got pregnant and had a miscarriage. This experience changed me. I became petrified of everything baby related, convinced that pregnant women were following me everywhere to taunt me, and yet at the same time had this yearning for a baby that felt like a pain in my heart. I wanted a baby, maybe not straight away, but I was scared that I would have another miscarriage…..and I did. Two more in fact!
It was hard, especially as two of the miscarriages were at the 12 week point, just when you think that you are in the safe zone. The last miscarriage was in March 2010, after which I was offered testing to find out why this kept happening. After having the tests done I was told that it would take three months to get the results, so I had the contraceptive injection. I didn’t want to try for another baby. I was heartbroken, blamed myself for the loss of 3 babies, and physically bruised. However fate had other ideas….4 days after having the contraceptive injection I fell pregnant again. When I was given the news at the doctors surgery i had a melt down of such magnitude that my GP offered to drive me home! I was panicking and pretty convinced that this pregnancy was doomed as I hadn’t received the results of my tests.
It wasn’t doomed, that pregnancy turned out to be Henry! However it wasn’t all plain sailing. I had 4 months of such severe sickness that I was hospitalised for dehydration. The sickness was horrible, but I was also grateful for it, I thought that as long as i was being sick 12 times a day that had to be a sign that the baby was ok. Then at our 20 week scan they thought that Henry might have a severe heart condition that they described as “incompatible with life”. This was the worst news any couple can hear! I felt sick with panic and went into emotional shut down. I didn’t want to get upset until I knew for sure. A few more scans showed that Henry’s heart was in the middle of his chest, a condition known as mesocardia. It isn’t serious at all and is just the same as everybody else in terms of heart structure and function…..just a little nonconformist regarding position. The week of waiting to find out the results was agonising but hearing that he was going to be ok was the best news of my whole life!
After a brief bout of swine flu at Christmas (yes that’s right I am the worlds unluckiest person when it comes to health issues!) the pregnancy went along as normal. Then on the 9th February 2011 at 8.45am when Henry was born after a 5 1/2 hour relatively easy labour (thank you yoga & raspberry leaf tea). He weighed 7lbs 12oz and was (and still is) the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I was bowled over with love for him, and for Ken for giving me him. I instantly loved being a mum.
I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy the way I would have liked. I was scared the whole time that something would go wrong. I didn’t tell many people I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks for fear of jinxing it, and even then it was only because my mother started spreading the news against my wishes. I bought a doppler machine & used it obsessively to check that the baby was still ok. I wouldn’t take pictures of me pregnant because I didn’t want to see them if I lost the baby. The picture in this blog was taken by my mum while i wasn’t looking and is the only proof i was ever that round. It makes me sad as it really is a special time, but I had that innocent excitement ruined. However if I have another baby I will enjoy it more as I realise that you can’t live in fear of what might go wrong, you have to look forward to what will happen if things go right because having a baby is quite amazing! Now the battle not to be a ‘baby bore’ began! I don’t always win this battle as I’m sure some of my friends will tell you, but to be honest I think it’s only reasonable to talk about the WORLD’S best baby a lot!
mamaknitscakes 
Jul 28, 2011 @ 09:24:03
This is such a good post. Even though i cant imagine going through a m/c three times..(I really don’t know where you got the mental strength from) I think I would have reacted the same way at the docs when hearing the news you were pregnant for the fourth time after all that.. I can relate to a couple bits in this post though. The not enjoying your pregnancy as you should, when I got pregnant the first time round the thought didn’t occur to me something could go wrong so I was nothing but 100% excited and in love with the tiny thing growing inside me. Getting pregnant three months after a m/c made me stressed and depressed through anxiety, I’ve really had to work on enjoying it, at 14 weeks I felt a little more at ease but even at 20 weeks I half expected something to go wrong. I have forced myself to take tummy pics and write letters to the baby in the same way I started to with the last one and it has helped although at first my heart wasn’t quite in it.
Henry is amazing as are you xxx